:: moody ::
today is jesmond's birthday! before i get anywhere, let me first wish him happy birthday, and reassure him that my moodiness has nothing whatsoever to do with him.. yups...
today the results for the honours nite have been released. although everyone got outstanding service, im not exactly pleased. this is as some people do not know how to differentiate between work and personal feelings, and is too immature to handle things and should just go home and sleep. but nonetheless, congrats to those who got the outstanding service, i hope you really worked for it and deserve it. :)
after that, i went back to sji... the warmth of the teachers smile and concern melted my hardened heart totally. it brought back memories and joy in which i had spent the four years of my life. but then, upon seeing a minority of the teachers also brought about pain and agony. i started to rmb all the unjustice and terror that i experienced at their hands, and felt a great contrast to what i was feeling before. its like two tidal waves of different emotions hit me in full force, bringing me in different directions and attempting to tear me apart. just as i was the most vexed, i met brother michael, who told me" the year is not screwed, i just havnt found the right path of where God wants me to go yet". the hug he gave me just unleashed the struggles i have within, as if everything was going to be alright and that he was giving me courage to face the future challenges. after all, we have to go through all the challenges ourselves, and others can only stand by us to guide and inspire us. and im immensely grateful for that. the kindness that the teachers at sji have shown would indeed last me a lifetime. so here is to wishing all the teachers back at sji a wonderful and unforgettable teacher's day! you guys would forever be the king/queen of my heart!
after that, i met hengbin and the jc cell group to watch movies... we watched borne identity which was a really great movie. you guys should go and catch it! but as i was watching the movie, i started to think about hengbin who was sitting beside me. after that, i was sharing with jo that everytime i hear hengbin talk about buddhist fellowship or see him, i would feel super guilty, as if i wasnt doing enough to bring him to God's glory. that is one big challenge that i have yet to overcome.
following that, we went to jesmond's birthday. while we were fellowshipping over dinner, i just feel like i was invisible, and quite emo. its like, the jc ppl would talk to the jc side. the working adults would talk to the working adults side. and i felt trapped in the middle, not knowing which group i should join. it is so hard to break into either circle, although there is conscious effort on both sides to try to interact, but i always feel that there is this invisible thick wall which is so high that i cant climb over, so thick i cant penetrate and so strong i cant break it down. this wall, it is as if is meant to protect me, but actually im a prisoner trapped within it. each time we fellowship, i can "see" the other person and they can "see" me. but we are just not connecting! i really do not know what to do!
is it singapore's social circle in that it is so hard to penetrate and be part of it? yet it is so fragile that without the constant nurturing and dedication it would just break apart? it maybe true tat the brightest smiles hide the darkest sorrows. everytime i think about it, i just feel so frustrated. i want a soulmate, but none can afford to be my "zhi ying". partially also cos it takes alot to gain my trust completely. but yet when ppl do, they are often to busy themselves to help others. so at the end of the day, its me by myself, facing my own sorrows, in my own strength. i do not want a lamp post which can offer a bit of advice or to shine the road along the way, only to leave me when i progress. what i really want/need is a lantern, who can walk with me side by side and share the ups and downs of life. who can understand me, listen to me, help me with my struggles/challenges, someone who i look up to, take care of me and be my soulmate always. has these kind of people gone the way of the dinosaurs? i thought i have found this in n354, but it looks as if i cant pentrate it yet again. or is it too early to tell?
im really weary of life, tired, drained and mentally blocked. i need a rest. can someone help me?
today the results for the honours nite have been released. although everyone got outstanding service, im not exactly pleased. this is as some people do not know how to differentiate between work and personal feelings, and is too immature to handle things and should just go home and sleep. but nonetheless, congrats to those who got the outstanding service, i hope you really worked for it and deserve it. :)
after that, i went back to sji... the warmth of the teachers smile and concern melted my hardened heart totally. it brought back memories and joy in which i had spent the four years of my life. but then, upon seeing a minority of the teachers also brought about pain and agony. i started to rmb all the unjustice and terror that i experienced at their hands, and felt a great contrast to what i was feeling before. its like two tidal waves of different emotions hit me in full force, bringing me in different directions and attempting to tear me apart. just as i was the most vexed, i met brother michael, who told me" the year is not screwed, i just havnt found the right path of where God wants me to go yet". the hug he gave me just unleashed the struggles i have within, as if everything was going to be alright and that he was giving me courage to face the future challenges. after all, we have to go through all the challenges ourselves, and others can only stand by us to guide and inspire us. and im immensely grateful for that. the kindness that the teachers at sji have shown would indeed last me a lifetime. so here is to wishing all the teachers back at sji a wonderful and unforgettable teacher's day! you guys would forever be the king/queen of my heart!
after that, i met hengbin and the jc cell group to watch movies... we watched borne identity which was a really great movie. you guys should go and catch it! but as i was watching the movie, i started to think about hengbin who was sitting beside me. after that, i was sharing with jo that everytime i hear hengbin talk about buddhist fellowship or see him, i would feel super guilty, as if i wasnt doing enough to bring him to God's glory. that is one big challenge that i have yet to overcome.
following that, we went to jesmond's birthday. while we were fellowshipping over dinner, i just feel like i was invisible, and quite emo. its like, the jc ppl would talk to the jc side. the working adults would talk to the working adults side. and i felt trapped in the middle, not knowing which group i should join. it is so hard to break into either circle, although there is conscious effort on both sides to try to interact, but i always feel that there is this invisible thick wall which is so high that i cant climb over, so thick i cant penetrate and so strong i cant break it down. this wall, it is as if is meant to protect me, but actually im a prisoner trapped within it. each time we fellowship, i can "see" the other person and they can "see" me. but we are just not connecting! i really do not know what to do!
is it singapore's social circle in that it is so hard to penetrate and be part of it? yet it is so fragile that without the constant nurturing and dedication it would just break apart? it maybe true tat the brightest smiles hide the darkest sorrows. everytime i think about it, i just feel so frustrated. i want a soulmate, but none can afford to be my "zhi ying". partially also cos it takes alot to gain my trust completely. but yet when ppl do, they are often to busy themselves to help others. so at the end of the day, its me by myself, facing my own sorrows, in my own strength. i do not want a lamp post which can offer a bit of advice or to shine the road along the way, only to leave me when i progress. what i really want/need is a lantern, who can walk with me side by side and share the ups and downs of life. who can understand me, listen to me, help me with my struggles/challenges, someone who i look up to, take care of me and be my soulmate always. has these kind of people gone the way of the dinosaurs? i thought i have found this in n354, but it looks as if i cant pentrate it yet again. or is it too early to tell?
im really weary of life, tired, drained and mentally blocked. i need a rest. can someone help me?